My Return.

I have rediscovered my love for writing (I guess typing given the context).
After much trial and error I have finally figured my way back into my account after google's world domination.
It has been quite a while since I last posted.
A lot has changed (including my odd obsession with the semi-colon - Yeah I don't know.)
I'm twenty two and married.
I have a home- am a homeowner.
I have a new kitty (RIP Katie). Her name is Julie and she is a silly munchkin cat.

The one thing that has not changed is my state of constant transition.
I have yet to find comfort in myself.
I'm still trying to find my way and my place.
I have an idea of where I want to go.
So I've returned to writing; hopeful that it will get me there.

Well, more is to come. Stay tuned.

-Lindsey.

Orange Trees.

He is so amazing.
I still can't believe he found me and wanted me of all people.
I can't believe how much he loves me and more so how much I love him.
I had no idea it was possible to love another human being so much.
Words cannot even describe how much he means to me..

Where is my mind?

I feel so crazy after two in the morning. I hate what working nights does to me.
I hate feeling so helpless; hopeless so late in the night/early in the morning.
I feel more alone than ever.
I got a lot; I do.
But right now it feels so much like I have nothing.
I hate feeling like I'm fourteen again; lying open on my bed staring at the ceiling with tears welling up in my eyes wondering what the hell is happening and why can't things get better?
I hate falling asleep alone.
I hate waking up to nothing but a little blue pill every morning.
It looks at me; saying hello, good morning, you are crazy. EAT ME.

I know tomorrow I will forget, only to remember once again while I'm awake at
3:45 staring up at an empty dark ceiling.

I wish he was here.
I wish he was always with me.
I wish my family wasn't always gone.
I wish I saw my friends I miss so much.
I wish I always had someone to talk to.
I wish I didn't need anything else to make me happy than what naturally should.

My brain doesn't work like that.
It sends little tingling messages throughout my body.
Stretching to my muscles and contracting them.
Clenching my fists and curling my toes.
Grinding my teeth and tensing my shoulders.
It cuts off my air supply.
Only leaving me with shallow breaths that are now coming fewer and farther between.
And what triggers this?
Nothing; and everything.

I wish I could pin it down.
Find the source and get rid of it.
I wish I could wake up and say I will not let this control me anymore.
I will take control of my own life and you/it will not affect me no longer.

Until then; I will wake up to a little happy blue pill every morning..

I got 99 problems; and I'm a bitch.

I've got problems.
Things I can't explain.
I don't like them.
I can't help it.
I know I mess up a lot.
I know I don't always do/say the right thing.
I know I'm not always able to be the bigger man.
I know 90% of the time I'm all talk.
I know I'm a bitch.
I know all these things. I hate them.
I hate what I did or more importantly what I didn't do.
I'm sorry I bailed.
I'm sorry I was selfish.
I'm sorry I blamed you.
I'm sorry I forgot you.
I'm sorry I hated you.
I'm sorry I am the way I am.
There are things I do that I can't explain. I wish I knew better.
I wish I did better.
I wish I made the first move.
I'm sorry everything I've done is just too little too late.
I'm sorry I change my mind so much.
I'm sorry I wasn't there; am not there.
You know it, I know it, but we both can't say it.
We both try to hold onto that last flimsy little thread.
Half heartedly hello-ing.
We had some of the best years.
God, I can't even bring myself to say it.



I miss you; I'm sorry.

Me, you, and everyone we know.

I'm losing faith in humanity.
Man is no longer so kind, but cruel.
People are selfish and unsatisfied.
It hurts when someone disappoints you.
It hurts when you realize they are no better than anyone else.
It's not my place to tell anyone the difference between right and wrong.
But is it so bad to expect a little compassion and integrity?

If everyone is so concerned with their own carnal; material; selfish desires,
Then I'm throwing expectations out the window.
Do what you will human race.
I don't care anymore.

Kkkkcan you feel?

When inspiration hits you.
Whether it be naked, raw, inspiration.
Or in disguise as nostalgia, anger, sadness, happiness.. etc. etc.
Whether it's that first snowfall that catches you in the middle of the night; in the middle of an empty street lined with lights.
Or the first big breath of morning air.
Or a whisper on the nape of your neck; the smile creeping across your face and the goosebumps raising on your arms.
Or your favorite line in the favorite verse of your favorite song; loud, loud, loud.
Or the first line of a good book; or the last.
Or the first kiss in a romantic movie.
Anything; anything that gets you.
That stikes a match in you.
Deep in there.
It's the key that dives deep down inside of you; finds that little pandoras box of yours, and twists inside the lock; unleashing the whole of you.
Things you may have never known you were capable of saying, doing, dreaming up, believing. Much less anyone else knew.
It's tricky. It's slippery.
It can engulf your entire being; fill you to your core and shake your bones.
It can burst through your lungs and course through your veins.
If you let it.
And if you let it; it can be gone.
Slip through your fingers.
Spill out your mouth.
Leave your lungs.

So my question is: When you have it; this amazing, incredible desire to be someone, do something, create something. This feeling. Will you feel it? Can you feel it?
And what will you do with it?

Don't waste it.
We can create worlds if we let ourselfs, so do something big.

Feel for.

I don't know why, but this photo sparked something in me.
I like it.
I want to be the feel in this picture.
I want all of it's essence.