Where is my mind?

I feel so crazy after two in the morning. I hate what working nights does to me.
I hate feeling so helpless; hopeless so late in the night/early in the morning.
I feel more alone than ever.
I got a lot; I do.
But right now it feels so much like I have nothing.
I hate feeling like I'm fourteen again; lying open on my bed staring at the ceiling with tears welling up in my eyes wondering what the hell is happening and why can't things get better?
I hate falling asleep alone.
I hate waking up to nothing but a little blue pill every morning.
It looks at me; saying hello, good morning, you are crazy. EAT ME.

I know tomorrow I will forget, only to remember once again while I'm awake at
3:45 staring up at an empty dark ceiling.

I wish he was here.
I wish he was always with me.
I wish my family wasn't always gone.
I wish I saw my friends I miss so much.
I wish I always had someone to talk to.
I wish I didn't need anything else to make me happy than what naturally should.

My brain doesn't work like that.
It sends little tingling messages throughout my body.
Stretching to my muscles and contracting them.
Clenching my fists and curling my toes.
Grinding my teeth and tensing my shoulders.
It cuts off my air supply.
Only leaving me with shallow breaths that are now coming fewer and farther between.
And what triggers this?
Nothing; and everything.

I wish I could pin it down.
Find the source and get rid of it.
I wish I could wake up and say I will not let this control me anymore.
I will take control of my own life and you/it will not affect me no longer.

Until then; I will wake up to a little happy blue pill every morning..